English Funny Stories Chapter 1
1. THE BUM …
A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I
want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
2. HOW TO LIVE?
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
3. THEY HAD NO PRIVACY
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
4. A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!"
5. THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
6. WHERE’S THE SHOE?
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
7. DUMMY HUSBAND
A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?". One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size." formal midi dress
8. A NEW MACHINE
The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not
a twinge. Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman lying on his door step groaning in pain.
Bob visited his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He told her several times how attractive she was, complimented her on her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and kisses.
"Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you really make a big fuss over your wife."
"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage, and we couldn't be happier."
Inspired by Joe's story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead she burst into tears.
"Darling," Bob said, "whatever's the matter?"
"This has been the worst day I've had for a long time," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing machine broke down. Now, to top it off, you come home drunk!"
10. HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?
A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife.
"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant. "Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"
"Anything," said the man. "And in what colour?"
"It doesn't matter." "Size?" "Immaterial."
Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something she would always take it back to the shop and exchange it.
"Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?" the assistant asked him.
"Oh no," said the man. "That would be too impersonal."